The whole of the Christian life is a life of transformation. As the apostle Paul wrote,
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the
Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just
as by the Spirit of the Lord (2nd Corinthians 3.18 ESV)
However, at times there are special moments, events and even crises, that bring dramatic change and growth in our life with God. Indeed, God uses these situations to catch our attention and redirect our emphasis and mode of operation in any given Christian calling. In using the title ‘Ministry Transformation’ I am specifically referring to in my case, Pastoring a Presbyterian Congregation.
I intend by testimony, reflection and the resulting applied lessons, to detail my journey under the following headings.
1 Call of God.
2 Early ministry.
3 Sickness and crises.
4 Dawning revelation.
5 New ministry.
1) Call of God.
I have recognised that since the age of five I believed that there is a living God. At that stage I understood that God was creator of all things. Later at a secondary boarding school, life was so traumatic that I was often found in the school chapel praying to creator God. It wasn’t until the age of 28 after a number of years farming and its accompanying difficulties that I came to a personal faith in Jesus Christ. This happened after I joined a Bible study group and had the gospel of Jesus Christ explained to me.
For me it was a one of those moments where my direction and focus in life took a dramatic turn. I was consumed by a desire to, in some way serve my Lord. I embarked immediately on evangelism, and the hosting of Bible studies in different homes. I preached as a lay person in the local Church and sought to enter ordained ministry early in my Christian journey. Right from the start I sensed a call to pastoral ministry, but it would be thirty years before such an opportunity would open up as a Lay Pastor.
The thirty years were packed with many experiences and trials that can only be explained as God’s blueprint for my life. Selling my farm, completing theological training being just a part of that blueprint. I really had no idea where I was ultimately going to end up. The only explanation that I could give enquirers was “things are progressively developing” and “I’m trying to follow the blueprint, not write it”.
Through a number of interesting circumstances I found myself being asked to preach and carry out pastoral care at the local Presbyterian Church in the interim between ordained ministry. Carrying out this task for nine months, the Session and Congregation asked if I would consider being their minister. This then developed to a three year contract as Lay Pastor. As most of my life had been spent till that point as a pig farmer, I coined the phrase “from the pigpen to the pulpit”.
Looking back over the past thirty years as a Christian and observing all the twists and turns of life, one can only stand in awe at the incredible way in which God had brought me to ministry in His Church. Where there appeared to be no way forward, God has made a way. My taking up the position of Lay Pastor in a Presbyterian Church only bears testimony to the grace, mercy and power of God over a long period of time. It is a simple fact, that I am where I am because God willed it. Working against incredible odds and what appeared impossible to man, God accomplished. It just echoes Matthew 19:26 ESV,
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
God’s demonstrated power and faithfulness is a tremendous encouragement as I move on into the future with Him.
2) Early Ministry.
The beginning of any new venture brings with it blessings and curses. It’s true that to begin a three year term as Lay Pastor had its moment of thrill, and that finally a sense of calling was finding a means of expression. But certain personalities, and in my case a perfectionist, make the way forward fraught with danger. At the age of fifty five this was my one and only chance to serve God whole heartedly. Let me make it clear that I am definitely not suggesting that full time pastoral ministry is ‘real ministry’. Far from it, all life and its activities are to be ministry unto the Lord. As a Christian farmer, I was in ‘full time’ ministry for years.
For me however, at the age of fifty five this was my real chance. Like Samson I was prepared to die in the work. I would push those pillars till they fell down. And if they fell on me, so be it. This thought of dying in the work, was to be somewhat prophetic as time unfolded.
And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it.
(Judges 16:29-30 ESV)
Real sincerity and consecration to a position or service in the kingdom of God may never be in question. The difficulty that has to be understood and overcome are the complications that can develop in the carrying out of that calling. Our personalities and lack of practical understanding of many procedural and people related issues, can mitigate against an effective and relatively restful advancement in service to the Lord and in my case, the Church congregation entrusted to my care.
For me a number of things began to build a subtle subconscious gnawing weight and pressure. When people would ask me, “Are you enjoying the ministry?”, I would reply, “Enjoying is not quite the right word”. I gave that response because I was aware not only of the responsibility of my calling, but also because of other issues that lay beneath the surface of everyday activities, issues that were taking their toll on my overall rest and peace in the Lord, and health. Eventually, these internal subconscious issues would manifest their presence externally in my body.
As human beings we are mind, soul and body. And although we may intellectually determine that we are getting on fine, our soul and body may be responding in a different way. We can in all sincerity, faithfully and diligently carry out our Christian duties with great love for our Lord, and yet be unaware of the other voices of our soul and body which are struggling and tortured by subconscious undercurrents that our mind refuses to acknowledge. In a stoic way we say, “I’m trusting the Lord, all is well!” But is it?
I have come to see some of the ways that this insidious creeping pressure can mount in our lives when we are in positions of responsibility and accountability. If a person is diligent, conscientious and passionate about the things of God, he is a sitting duck for trouble if he doesn’t understand and monitor his temperament and personality.
Pushing at Samson’s pillars with all ones strength continuously without time out is just the beginning of woes. You may not rust out, but you will wear out. And a person worn out or burnt out, isn’t going to be able to help anyone, which was the prime reason for the call to ministry in the first place. Again, let me just make mention that the very first reason for every Christian call is primarily to worship our Lord, and out of that comes ministry to family, work and Church.
Therefore, time management becomes a good thing to master early on.
Style of leadership is also going to bring certain pressures. Corporate leadership, where the decisions and responsibilities are shared, or pyramid leadership where the captain gets and shares the parish vision, and carries all the burdens and responsibilities.
Because I inherited a difficult situation it seemed necessary to take hold of the helm and re-establish sound structural and spiritual practices. The older age makeup of those who attended Church regularly required any changes that I made to structure and liturgy to be carried out slowly and gently. Even with the best intentions change is always painful for some. And if you are the captain then the buck stops with you.
If you are the captain and have no other helpers sharing your vision, then you will have to execute the necessary actions. My farming background made this easier for me, for a farmer has to rely on himself. If ‘he’ doesn’t do it, then it won’t get done. At least that’s what it used to be like many years ago. Although times have changed in the modern farming context.
Carrying out new initiatives meant that I had to implement them and encourage others to join the vision. This was again fraught with danger as others didn’t always have the passion or commitment and consequently I would be hugely frustrated with some folks ‘lack of commitment to the Lord’.
Yet another pressure to cope with is the age old performance mentality. This is a pressure that is very unsettling and generates a tremendous loss of confidence in ones own ability and the ability of the people of God entrusted to your care. It is so easy to begin to compare ourselves as leaders with other leaders, or our congregation with other congregations and make comparisons. If another Church is doing well, what are they doing so that we can do the same? Or “Isn’t he a gifted preacher! I wish I could preach like that.” And then another scenario, “Gosh, look at the number of people coming to this funeral, I had better do as well as they said I did last time.” All these pressures to perform.
If all of this isn’t enough I discovered that for a number of years I was alone in a spiritual sense. That is, I didn’t have another person who I could relate to within the parish on the same level as myself. The parish was well blessed with wonderful people of all ages, but it isn’t quite the same as being able to relate with folk who understand your passion and hopes for the congregation in a spiritual sense. One needs to have spiritual contemporaries with common ground to share with and receive support from.
All of these issues were the underlying insidious pressures that began to take their toll over a period of three years upon my health. Despite the creeping emergence of ill health, God richly blessed the parish in a dozen ways. We have seen tremendous growth in the worshipping congregation, with home groups and men’s breakfast flourishing. A new sound system and many other initiatives have enhanced worship and community life in the parish. It has been a blessed, rich time on many fronts. Our God is faithful.
3) Sickness and Crises.
Ill health in any form is never something that we appreciate. Age and genetics often play a part in the natural breakdown of our health in the normal course of events with life and its complications often mitigating to aid this process. The complications in my situation weren’t obvious, they were just quietly eating away at my immune system and resilience.
One particular morning as I attempted to rise out of bed, my head spun and I flopped back for a minute or two before attempting to rise again. This time successfully. This was the dawning of a journey that would take months to fathom out and apply remedial principles to life. Initially I denied that anything particular was wrong, hoping it would just go away. But, as time passed I discovered that whatever my condition, it was affecting my daily ministry. It became obvious that any extra stress exacerbated the condition I had.
Symptoms included tiredness, loss of weight, vertigo, nausea and extremely sore eyes. A visit to the doctor resulted in my going to an eye specialist for treatment of Iritis (inflammation and infection of the Iris). This was followed by further tests that revealed that I had Sarcoidosis (an attack on my immune system). It was the Sarcoidosis that was producing all these symptoms and would take months to recover from. But it was stress that was ‘exacerbating’ the Sarcoidosis. Things got so difficult e.g. almost fainting each time I took a funeral, that Session decided to give me a month sick leave. It was during this period that a theological reformation in theory and practice began to take place.
When suddenly struck down with sickness with the early assessments looking like possible lymphoma and an aneurism on the brain, lying in bed on sick leave produces lots of questions. Thirty years coming to ministry and now after two years all coming to an end begs the question, “What is God doing in all this? Is this some cruel joke?” Things looked serious.
Encouraging words from God through prayer and meditation? No! Heaven was as brass, nothing! But this produces some real reflection. What is important? Can I praise God for the sickness? Can I accept this as His will? To the last two questions the answer was yes. He is sovereign in all things.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2nd Corinthians 12:8-10). ESV)
God would finally speak in the fourth week after a silent period of three weeks. This gap allowed sufficient time to separate my life from the past and whatever the future would hold. God’s words are sometimes very few but nonetheless sufficient to convey enough information for reflection and action. Months later tests would show that I had Sarcoidosis, and that time alone would possibly produce a ‘burning out’ of the condition. But the revolution had begun in theological development.
4) Dawning Revelation.
This revolution would begin in the final week of sick leave with three words. ‘Separation’, ‘detachment’ and ‘abandonment’. What was being said here by the Lord? “I’m separating you from the work.” In other words, “The work has become you, and you the work. You are so passionate and driven that there is no distinction between you and the ministry. You are operating with sincerity in faith and diligence, trusting me, but it is going to kill you if you keep that up.”
Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)
‘Detachment’ became obvious when I returned to preach and carry out pastoral duties. The Church had gone on in my absence and I felt separated, detached from the whole of Church life. What would I preach? What would I do? How would I do it? All these questions became very real.
Experiencing this feeling of detachment and the accompanying questions produce the third word, ‘abandonment’ as the answer. It was if the Lord was saying, “You will not have great plans, you will not have an agenda, you will not worry ahead what to preach, you will be abandoned to me moment by moment, day by day. It will be given to you in the moment. For there will be a different life source within you. I will live through you. Abandon yourself and your agenda to me.” As Derek Wills, the Psychoanalysis counsellor in Christchurch intimated, during my LOM assessment, “this is the dawn of a new man.” This new man would in the next few months begin to get theological and practical legs to move with.
Galatians 2.19-20 has become my theme verse.
………I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ESV.
We know this verse intellectually/theologically, but somehow it doesn’t register as a fact/reality. It takes what Norman Grubb calls the second crisis. Concerning Romans 6.6a
We know that our old self was crucified with him………
he writes,
“There is for most of us a second work of grace, if we like to call it that. There is a day, a season, usually prefaced by many agonizing days, when at last our straining self, stretched and taut like an elastic, gives way. We were crucified with Christ all along, but now faith enters into this intelligently as fact. If we were crucified with Him, we also rose with Him, and now at last we can see that that means the New One within is living His life in us.”
The old self had died with Christ and now the new man is a vessel/container of our Lord Jesus. This is what scripture calls the New Man. The apostle Paul writes,
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.
(2nd Corinthians 5.17)
And,
But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.
(1st Corinthians 6.17)
I realised that I died the day Christ died, was buried with Him, and rose to resurrection life with Him. And now according to Galatians 2.20, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. I am a vessel in whom lives another. The beauty of this truth is that although I am one spirit with him, yet, it is unity with distinction. Christ is the source and substance of my life.
It is best explained this way by asking the question, does a branch produce fruit or bear fruit. It bears fruit. Sap flowing through the vine into the branch produces fruit. Jesus said,
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him,
he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
(John 15.5 ESV)
Christ is the source of my life (not the old self and accompanying inputs), and it is He who produces the substance, that is fruit (in any given situation that I’m open and yielded to Him) otherwise called abiding. Union as of a branch grafted into the vine.
Every time we participate in the Lord’s Table we become conscious of the symbols, wine and bread, that represent the blood and body of Christ. The Church has been very good at telling us about the blood of Christ and the forgiveness and the covering it provides for our total salvation. We had come to see that Christ died and rose ‘for’ us, not that we died and rose ‘with’ Christ. A totally different view. And so we heard endless sermons on Christ dying for us and therefore when we receive Him we are born again. Then when we stood up we were told endlessly by sermons and formulas that ‘you ought to do this, must, should do this, this and this’. So in effect, now that you’re saved, “Get on with it until you die and then you will experience resurrection life.” Little is preached or taught on the bread/body side of the cross. The resurrection side of the cross that begins the moment you receive Christ, are born again, become a new creature, are a son/daughter of God by new birth.
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. (John 1:12-13 ESV)
This is what has been called the double cross. The blood and body, death and resurrection sides of the crucifixion of our Lord Jesus Christ.
What had been an intellectual knowing had begun to dawn and gradually, progressively became an inner knowing. At first by confession of certain scriptures this truth became an inner knowing that progressed to a settled, peaceful, and spontaneous unconscious knowing. I had died with Christ and now He lived in me. My life was as a vessel that contained priceless treasure, Jesus Christ Himself. And He lives in and through me. Glory! This revelation was the beginning of a completely transformed way of personal living, and ministering within the Church and community.
There are so many things that could be said about this dawning of new life that came as a result of ill health. But more importantly for us, how did this new awareness of union with Jesus Christ manifest itself in parish ministry. What were the practical outcomes that made it so different from pre ill-health life and ministry.
5) New Ministry
As one begins to pick up life after a period of ill health it is important to remember the lessons that the Lord has taught us. This is no easy task as we soon are consumed with life and ministry and all it demands. But, for me the one thought that stuck in my mind was “stay at the source”. Stay at the source of my new life, Jesus Christ. He now was the source of my life.
This had implications for example in my theological thinking and in the way that I expressed that. It took some time to rephrase my new theology. Firstly, I came to understand that I had a new identity. I was a son of God, one of God’s family, by the new birth. Of course that happened at conversion, but now it materialized in my full consciousness. Therefore, as a son of God I got my identity from God Himself. He was my Father and I his son/child. I no longer got my identity from my contemporaries, my parents, the world and more importantly my performance. The Father loves me because I am His son, not because of what I do. This made my public ministry much easier. I wasn’t out to please others, but be faithful to my God. What this meant in another practical way was the increasing inner peace and the dropping of stress levels. Performance pressure adds huge stress, but with this new identity and relaxed relationship with my Heavenly Father there came new peace and freedom. I let the Lord Jesus live his life in and through me as a vessel. I was a container of another. Very like a hand in a glove. Christ in me motivating and living in me, and yet it was my mouth that moved, my hand that touched, my brain that thought. Union with distinction. It made the scripture come alive from Matthew 11.29-30 ESV
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I mentioned a change in the rephrasing of my theology. I began to confess the scriptures at first in order to get my theology established. The renewing of the mind that the apostle Paul speaks about in Romans 12.2 ESV
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
I began declaring “I am one spirit with Him”, and “I’m a new creation.” Then “You are my peace, you are my wisdom, you are my ability, you are my love.” This also made an impact on the way that I prayed. I had been used to asking God to ‘help’ me in any given situation. But I came to see that it wasn’t a matter of the Lord helping ‘me’, but of He in me doing all that He wanted in any given situation. This way of praying brought further peace as it depended on the Lord to pull off what ever was happening. Jesus had already said,
……….apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5 ESV)
In a word, the burden of ministry and living was off me, and resting on the Lord. I was to abide, remain at the source of new life, and that flow of new life within me would accomplish all that was needed or required for each day. This of course required what I call a practising. New theology in the intellect and spirit, does still require a turning to confession of faith, and learning of new ways of living and speaking. It is to be practised as it doesn’t just go from revelation to reality just like that. Revelation comes and then is worked out in everyday life, commonly known as ongoing sanctification. That’s what Paul meant when he said in Galatians 2.20 ESV,
……..And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God.
He is saying, having understood clearly and experientially the first part of Galatians 2:19-20 that we are dead, buried and resurrected in Christ we now live our lives believing that reality and living it out in practice.
In terms of parish life my preaching has changed from just getting people saved, and almost attempting to get the saved, saved again, to pointing out to our folk who they are. What their new identity is. And, then as children of God, sons/daughters of God, how they can live a new life with a new life source and outworking. Christ in them, living in them. Jesus said,
“If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” (John 7:37-38 ESV)
This has been exciting because in the home groups folk are saying, “we haven’t heard it put this way. Why weren’t we taught this?” Instead of the endless round of attempting to live for Christ, then failing, and then confession, ultimately wearing them down into failure and the attitude, ‘well I guess this is the way it is till we die and get to heaven where all will be well,’ however they are coming to see there is another way. Resurrection life now! Christ in them the hope of glory.
When one finds himself unable to carry out normal duties that have always been his responsibilities even if they are at times self imposed, delegation becomes a new requirement. This was a positive development as it relieved me of pressure, but also encouraged the development of gifts in others. This had a follow through in the leadership of session. Five new elders of like mind to myself meant that I had contemporaries who are a wonderful prayerful and practical support. Folk who were willing to help in any way they could.
Moving from a pyramid style of leadership is still under progress. Rather than the pastor presenting a vision and asking for support, we are going to listen to the voice of the Spirit in the elders who are in touch with the worshipping congregation, and then together formulate vision for the parish in its given context. Who are our worshippers? What is our God given context? What would the Lord have us do in the situation we find ourselves in with the people of God already on board? As a session we hope to have a retreat to build relationships and seek God’s vision for us in particular.
This new way for us will ensure safety for me and a united leadership to present to the congregation which will give them confidence. In the past I may have been the one who presented any new initiatives and therefore was the one seen as the instigator. Now the congregation will have to respond to 14 of their leaders if there are any queries. Safety for all.
The journey over the last couple of years has been very traumatic in terms of the spiritual and physical aspects of life. Yet for progress in the Christian journey, times of upheaval and crisis are often the catalyst for new directions and growth in ministry, and the way in which ministry and life itself are lived. We are apt to shun the opportunity for change and growth, yet our Lord isn’t deterred. He will continue His work in us regardless. The end is always such a blessing. Two scriptures stand out in this context and there I will leave off.
………for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13 ESV)
……..that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end.
(Deuteronomy 8:16 ESV)
Bibliography
Dan Stone and Greg Smith, The Rest of the Gospel (One Press, 2000)
Norman Grubb, Who I Am? (Christian Literature Crusade, 1974)
Norman Grubb, Summit Living, (Christian Literature Crusade, 1985)
